I just feel like crying

I’m exhausted: physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Spiritually, I’m numb.

I know the right answer is to pray, seek God, and just pour it all out.  But, somehow, even after all these years of seeking, learning, listening, talking, writing, and trying, I still just don’t know how.

Once upon a time, I’m pretty sure I knew how to trust God and to believe that Jesus loves me.  For a week in the summer when I was 8 years old.

So many instances and episodes where I’ve rededicated, rebaptized, reborn again.  Kneeling on the steps leading to the podium, on the “altar of prayer.”  Book studies; Bible studies; conferences; support groups; healing & recovery groups; prayer groups – hands laid on me & holding mine or resting on my shoulders, forehead, prophetic words in English and tongues, in the center of a circle, arms embracing and holding the circle together; worship concerts & services, pouring myself into singing along with the words on the screen, out of the hymnal, off the sheet, or with the recording.

Yes, I know what the answer is…pray.

Here are the questions, concerns, and hurts I’m crying over, for, and about:

How do I deal with the pain of being rejected by my children?  How do I cope with the fact that I wasn’t capable of being the mother they needed and the mother I was left gaping & raw wounds inside of them?  How do I accept that I couldn’t give them what I never had, no matter how hard I tried, or told myself I did?  How do I do better now with the youngest while completely at odds with the oldest?  How is it possible to be filled with grief and sorrow over the mistakes and damage of the past while feeling completely enraged and choked over the fact that I’m reaping the consequences of those mistakes and damage?

I feel raw, exposed, defenseless, and drained.  Every person who means anything to me is also someone whom I don’t feel I can freely express myself to without having to justify, rationalize, defend, or explain myself to in one way shape or form.  There’s a bit of the martyr complex raising it’s ugly head right now, because I am trying my absolute best and hardest to accept and understand others and have compassion for the fact that they are going through whatever it is that they are going through.  While it doesn’t seem that there are any in my daily path capable or willing to do the same with me.

The bible says that He will never leave or forsake me.  I can intellectually understand the meaning and significance of those words.  I can theoretically accept the truth of that promise.  But, fundamentally, at the core of where I live, think, and feel, I don’t believe it.  I can’t believe it, I think, because being forsaken and abandoned are all I’ve ever known…at least that’s how it seems.

I have to work at reminding, telling, and convincing myself that the God of the universe formed me in my mother’s womb and knew my end from the beginning.  That my name is written on the palm of his hand and listed in the Lamb’s Book of Life.  I am so loved by Him that he gave up his existence as the King of the universe to be born a human and put himself in the lowly, frustrating, and pain filled position of being ridiculed, hunted, mocked, mobbed, and crucified, so that I could have eternal life. I should be comforted, and maybe I am, a little.

Honestly, though, I still just feel like crying

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5 comments

  1. If I hadn’t seen this with my own eyes, I would have sworn that I wrote it myself:

    “So many instances and episodes where I’ve rededicated, rebaptized, reborn again. Kneeling on the steps leading to the podium, on the “altar of prayer.” Book studies; Bible studies; conferences; support groups; healing & recovery groups; prayer groups – hands laid on me & holding mine or resting on my shoulders, forehead, prophetic words in English and tongues, in the center of a circle, arms embracing and holding the circle together; worship concerts & services, pouring myself into singing along with the words on the screen, out of the hymnal, off the sheet, or with the recording.”

    You may have noticed that I don’t talk about God much on my blog, and there is a big reason why. I’m so incredibly conflicted about the idea of God, or of what version of God is real to me, even though I do have solid points of reference from my past. The God that was undeniably real and wholeheartedly worshipped during my teenage years doesn’t reconcile with the God that I knew when I was parenting my children, nor does it align with the God that I rejected during the years that I struggled so much with my idea of what God is, and whether or not it is real for me. Then when I was caring for my mother, my entire idea of God was put to the test once again, and I was even more confused than ever.

    Still, I do have that knowledge of what it feels like when you surrender everything to God. That overwhelming feeling of relief, as if you can breathe again. I think my heart wants to believe in this manifestation of God’s power, but my brain is constantly lobbing arguments against the possibility. For the longest time, I’ve had to excise the God question out of the equation in order that I might find firm ground upon which to stand, but here I am, still wobbling and sinking into the mire. And still confused.

    I sincerely appreciate your words. I needed to see them, and hear them. I needed someone to say them out loud, since I wasn’t able to say them myself. Thank you.

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  2. Oh I appreciate how well you describe what you feel, with such clarity and depth of perception. I have had so many of the same feelings through my life. My experiences may have been different in the details but the effects they have had on me have been very much the same. I especially responded to “While it seems there aren’t any in my daily path capable or willing to do the same with me”.

    I have 3 children born to me, yet I was unable to be with them during their formative years, so they don’t really know me but have a lot of feelings about who they assume I must be taken from the others in their world as they were growing up. I have been trying to reach out to them and build a relationship with them now, but discovering I face the misunderstanding and prejudice in their own minds while trying to reconcile all my own feelings of remorse and guilt over what my role was in what did or did not happen and what I believe they truly deserved as innocent and precious children.

    In my own struggle to resolve the conflicts, pain, and loneliness inside of me, I have had to learn some new ways of thinking and looking at the story I have created about my life. One big key ingredient has been about forgiveness. One of the best descriptions I have ever heard was “Forever giving up the idea that I could change the past.”

    Another stage to my own recovery has been to begin realizing that many of the meanings I have attached to the events in my story have been arbitrary, things for which I have no proof and have never verified, no confirmation that my assumptions were correct or accurate.

    Just, for now, try to believe that the feelings you have about your life and children are universal, and shared by millions of persons of all cultures around the world in all of our time here as humans. You are NOT alone and I am at least ONE person in your life that is able and willing to afford you the same acceptance and compassion that you offer to others. And I am convinced there are many, many others who are also able and willing.

    With love, Gregg S.

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  3. Damn! I really enjoy your frankness and desire to be honest with yourself.

    Every night when I come home to an empty house (which is nearly 5 nights a week) I have to talk myself out of being depressed. It’s becoming quite the routine lately. The voices in my head say, “No one cares about you, you’re alone for a good reason…” blah, blah blah blah blah. Eventually I have to nearly shout to my own head voice to shut up because I know God loves me. But I don’t always feel it.

    While there is no solution to your problem above except time in the Lord with people who really accept and care about you, this helps.

    There are days where I’m so tired of being me. Tired of failing, tired of being broke or chasing whatever the need or goal is for that season. I get tired of chasing my calling, being rejected by those who think they know me, being ignored for whatever reason.

    There’s a proverb which goes, “No man can know another’s sorrow nor can he share in his joy.”

    I don’t know what will work for you but my solution is to talk out loud to God in an ongoing conversation. I simply discuss all of it. (And with cell phones and blue tooth headsets I don’t look so crazy 😉 ) Instead of formal prayer I picture Jesus sitting at my table with a cup of coffee just hanging out and I pour out my heart in a way I’ve never been able to with anyone else.

    What this method does is make Him personal instead of just a big God. I know He’s a big God still, but I need personal and big together. If He’s really like Jesus said, He loves us intimately. If I can be intimate with God, it follows that I can be so with others—eventually.

    Courage, my friend. God rescued you, so it stands to reason He will do the same for you relationships with your children and friends.

    Jonny V

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