Peeling away the layers – an uncomfortable admission to self

I’ve already acknowledged and accepted my compulsive/addictive issues around food and co-dependency, but what I have recently “discovered” (rather re-discovered) is that I’m also a Love/Relationship addict.  Which may actually be the underlying compulsion/addiction that drives the food and codependency issues, along with the depression.

I’ve always known that not having healthy relationships and adults in my world who were capable of demonstrating them had impacted my life.  That was more than obvious.  What I’ve never truly understood or accepted is exactly how wounded, broken, distorted, and damaged I am because of the ones I did experience while growing up.  I was also in denial about the harm and damage I was passing along to my own children due to my emotional, psychological, and spiritual woundedness and immaturity. That’s all fairly obvious now, as well.

Living with that knowledge buried in denial was suffocating me and causing further damage to those important relationships and reacting out of guilt and shame was keeping me sick and isolated.  Working the steps and facing these things is painful, difficult, and just plain nasty at times.  However, the alternative is to continue spiraling down into depression and avoidance so deep that I teeter on the verge of removing all hope for my future and the possibility of having functional relationships in the future with the people I care most about.  NOT. AN. OPTION.  So, seeking recovery is the only path left.

The wreckage isn’t something that I can ever undo and I’m living with the consequences and results of choices made.  I can’t alter that.  I have to face and deal with the things and people in the here and now and not run away, avoid, or abandon any of it because it hurts. I didn’t get here overnight and making the changes I need to make, learning how to think and act differently and how to be present and aware of when, how, and why I make choices that obstruct or regress my recovery is a process, not an event.  Learning how to be in functional relationship with God, myself and others seems almost impossible, at the moment However, I have hope that healing can and will happen and that out of the wreckage and the consequences something whole, beautiful, and worthwhile will emerge…me.

 

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