Inventory, grief, and comfort

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Matthew 5:4
5:4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

I haven’t really considered that just journalling my day to day experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc. is part of a 4th step inventory process, but I think it is, at least for me.

Since starting this blog and restarting my recovery journey, I’ve been on a bit of an emotional and spiritual roller coaster.  Experiencing some really good “high” days and recently, during the few days leading up to Christmas, some really dark “low” days.  During the low days, I didn’t blog, but I did write out what was happening, in my relationship with one very important family member, and the other members of our immediate family as well.

I actually listened and heard what this person had to say to me about how my current actions had triggered and contributed to feelings of woundedness and rejection.  Even though I absolutely love this person with all of my being, my actions were sending a completely different message.  It was very difficult and painful to hear this.  It grieved my heart to see and hear the pain this loved one was experiencing as a result of me practicing my “addiction” – I don’t even know how to define it other than my self-involved, disassociation from everyone in my world because I was tired of being in pain.

So, we grieved, I grieved.  I am being comforted in the knowledge that my relationship with this person is being strengthened by my recovery process and being willing and able to listen to hard truths about me and my actions without getting defensive and wallowing in self-pity.  We have a long ways to go, but it’s progress.

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