Slipping

Last night I slipped a little, again, and overate, for all the wrong reasons.

All the exercise, prayer, and meditation I’ve been doing, along with the recovery emailing and online meetings I’ve been doing have been very, very good.  But, I think it cleared enough of the fog of depression/anxiety and surface emotions that some of the deeper stuff is starting to come through.  Being physically fatigued and sore from the unaccustomed exercise in combination with facing, admitting my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life, and deciding to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, has me feeling very vulnerable.

I’m feeling vulnerable and experiencing difficult emotions being triggered by things that are happening regarding my adult children.  Sadness, guilt, envy, and fear are just a few of these things that are starting to come through.

So, when I was walking home from the gym, I gave into my “hunger” a little bit and got a burrito from Taco Bell, then when I got home, I saw a bag of chips and was going to have some, but decided to fix myself some popcorn instead.  I was just going to use the small pan to make a smaller amount, then thought to myself that the rest of my family might want some as well.  Instead of asking them, I just pulled out the bigger pot instead.  Then, because I wasn’t being mindful, I put too much in the pot and popped a huge amount.  I probably wound up eating about 3-4 cups of it while my toddler ate a few pieces and her dad didn’t want any.  While I was waiting for it to pop, I went ahead and ate a couple of chips.  Which triggered my craving for salt.  So, instead of eating plain popcorn I used seasoning salt and Parmesan cheese.   There was a tin of homemade cookies on the coffee table when I got home.  I made a mental resolve not to eat any, but wound up eating a couple of those anyway.  Throughout all of this I prepped a soup for dinner using leftover chicken, which I snacked on while prepping the dinner.  By the time dinner was ready, I was feeling full and bloated and didn’t want to eat anymore.  But, before bed finished off the bowl of soup that my toddler didn’t finish even though I wasn’t hungry, just so it wouldn’t go to “waste.”

At any point in that process I could have and should have talked to God, but I didn’t.  I could have picked up my bible or read some recovery or other inspirational material, but I didn’t.  I could have tried to contact a friend or support person, but I didn’t.  I guess, I simply didn’t want to do any of those things, because it was easier to focus on the food and trying to not eat under my own power and will than it was to face the fact that I’m hurting, emotionally, right now.

This morning I opted not to go on my morning walk, but I did attend a meeting and paid attention to most of the shares, which I am not always able to do.  Then I went to my morning prayer group, that I usually only stop by for 5-10 minutes before going to work.  I had an extra half hour because I hadn’t gone on my walk.  I was able to talk out my feelings and where they are coming from a little bit and get encouragement, support, and prayer.

While at the group, I was able to bring up a dear friend of mine and her situation and get prayer support on her behalf as well.  As long as I’m hiding from my own feelings and issues and focusing on the food and eating, I’m not able to be mindful of and showing care and concern for others.  I’m so grateful that I didn’t fall further and really go on a binge.  Today is a new day and someone shared the following meditation, that has helped me regain some focus:

December 22, 2011

A new way to live

Page 372
When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma…. Either go on as best we can to the bitter ends-jails, institutions, or death-or find a new way to live.
Basic Text, p.87
What was the worst aspect of active addiction? For many of us, it wasn’t the chance that we might die some day of our disease. The worst part was the living death we experienced every day, the never-ending meaninglessness of life. We felt like walking ghosts, not living, loving parts of the world around us.In recovery, we’ve come to believe that we’re here for a reason: to love ourselves and to love others. In working the Twelve Steps, we have learned to accept ourselves. With that self-acceptance has come self-respect. We have seen that everything we do has an effect on others; we are a part of the lives of those around us, and they of ours. We’ve begun to trust other people and to acknowledge our responsibility to them.

In recovery we’ve come back to life. We maintain our new lives by contributing to the welfare of others and seeking each day to do that better – that’s where the Tenth, Eleventh, and Twelfth Steps come in. The days of living like a ghost are past, but only so long as we actively seek to be healthy, loving, contributing parts of our own lives and the lives of others around us.

Just for Today: I have found a new way to live. Today, I will seek to serve others with love and to love myself.
Copyright (c) 2010,  NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
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