“God, Please help me to be free of anger and to see that the world and its people have dominated me. Show me that the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, has the power to actually kill me. Help me to master my resentments by understanding that the people who wrong me were perhaps spiritually sick. Please help me show those I resent the same Tolerance, Pity and Patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.** Help me to see that this is a sick man. Father, please show me how I can be helpful to him and save me from being angry. Lord, help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I know I can’t be helpful to all people, but at least show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. Thy will be done.”(66:2, 66:3, 66:4, 67:0, 67:1)
I’m in week two of my recovery restart. I’ve been able to focus on the steps, journalling in this blog, attending online meetings and I’ve started exercising. Things have been improving. However, since last night, I’ve been experiencing emotions and thoughts that tell me that I’m not really letting go and letting God. I’ve been here before.
It’s time for me to do my inventory…that fearless and searching look inside of myself and at my history. The thing I’ve never, truly, been able to contemplate without allowing the fear to take over. Avoidance, procrastination, excuses, and relapse are what usually come next. With God’s help, not this time. I want true recovery. I’m tired of always getting to this point and then stalling out and giving into and holding onto hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment. I’m tired of always reaching this point and allowing the words, actions, and choices of other people dictate my feelings, thoughts, and choices, resulting in me having all kinds of excuses and reasons to not face the truths in my life.
I find myself having to go through Steps 1-3 – Admit my powerlessness over my own emotions and how unmanageable my life is as a result. Believe that my HP, God, can restore me to sanity. Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God, and trust that I will be carried and cared for as I face the roots of the hurts, bitterness, anger, and resentments.
So, for today and for now, I’m willing to let HP set the pace and choose what things I need to face and in what order I need to face them.
“God, please help me to let go of the anger and recognize when I’m allowing people and circumstances to determine my course instead of You. Help me to immediately see that a resentment needs to be entrusted to You and that the person who triggered the resentment is as much in need of Your healing and guidance as I am. Give me the ability to express toward them the same compassion, patience, and tolerance that You have given me. Save me from being angry and help me to let go of the desire to retaliate or argue, that I may see how you would have me respond. Thank You for your guidance, grace, and mercy.”