A willful decision

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

Psalms 142:1-7
142:1 I cried unto the LORD with my voice; with my voice unto the LORD did I make my supplication.
142:2 I poured out my complaint before him; I shewed before him my trouble.
142:3 When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then thou knewest my path. In the way wherein I walked have they privily laid a snare for me.
142:4 I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul.
142:5 I cried unto thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my refuge and my portion in the land of the living.
142:6 Attend unto my cry; for I am brought very low: deliver me from my persecutors; for they are stronger than I.
142:7 Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise thy name: the righteous shall compass me about; for thou shalt deal bountifully with me.

http://www.12step.org/references/the-bible/scriptures-for-step-3.html

I’ve been here before: the place where I’ve admitted my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life and circumstances, as well as the place where I have defined and come to believe in a Higher Power.  Then I’ve glossed over and paid lip service to the third step: making the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God.  I have proven that progress in recovery stalls and even regresses, unless there is true surrender.

I really don’t want to go back there.

As a co-dependent, compulsive overeater who has struggled with depression the entirety of my adult life, it is absolutely imperative that I continually work the first three steps.  Without doing this, I quickly slide back into obsessive thinking, isolation, immobilization and the emotional morass of shame, bitterness, resentment, and guilt.  These are my persecutors; my own thoughts and emotions. I wind up living in a prison of my own construction, “my spirit overwhelmed within me.”

I’ve had a really great week, not because my circumstances have changed, because they haven’t.  The people in my life haven’t changed either.  Neither have I been completely successful in eating abstinently.  So, what changed? Me and the choices I have made each morning to read through a step and supportive scripture, followed by writing in this journal and including a prayer of admission and surrender.

I can cry and pour out my complaints – my fears, my worries, my frustrations, my resentments, my hurts, and my anger – to my Higher Power.  HP knows my path.  HP is my refuge.  HP is stronger than these enemies inside of myself. HP brings my soul out of prison, encompasses me with what’s righteous, and “deals bountifully with me.”

Today I know that I am powerless to control my thoughts, emotions, eating, other people or my circumstances.  I am not able to manage my life by myself.  I believe that there is a loving and compassionate Higher Power who is stronger and more capable than I to navigate, manage, and control my life.  I am willing to surrender my will and my life to God and I ask for God’s help in surrendering.

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