I’ve dabbled with recovery probably for the past 18-20 years or so. I’ve attended a couple of meetings with Overeaters Anonymous & CoDependents Anonymous for my issues and AA/NA for issues that others have. Primarily, I’ve sought biblical-based recovery programs and attended more of those meetings: Overcomer’s Outreach, Celebrate Recovery, and other church hosted recovery groups. I’ve also gone through Parents Anonymous and sought out counseling: individual, couples, family, group, group family, cognitive and behavioral therapies. It has all worked to varying degrees of effectiveness, but I’ve never truly surrendered, not for any length of time.
So, here I am, approaching mid-life with my family relationships in complicated and difficult transition and on the verge of collapse, finances in relative ruin, body and physical health deteriorating, continually wondering why I still have a job in light of my scattered and unfocused unproductivity, and cycling through fibroflares and depression. So repressed that I can barely smile a genuine smile at the tinkling laugh of my toddler or find a reason to enjoy a peaceful moment in the presence of my adult children or my partner. I’m tired of conflict, tired of crying, tired of trying to figure it all out and realizing nothing has changed, really.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable
|38:3||There is no soundness in my flesh because of thine anger; neither is there any rest in my bones because of my sin.|
|38:4||For mine iniquities are gone over mine head: as an heavy burden they are too heavy for me.|
|38:5||My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness.|
|38:6||I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long.|
|38:7||For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease: and there is no soundness in my flesh.|
|38:8||I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart.|
|38:9||Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee.|
|38:10||My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me.|
|38:11||My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off.|
|38:12||They also that seek after my life lay snares for me: and they that seek my hurt speak mischievous things, and imagine deceits all the day long.|
|38:13||But I, as a deaf man, heard not; and I was as a dumb man that openeth not his mouth.|
|38:14||Thus I was as a man that heareth not, and in whose mouth are no reproofs.|
I am powerless over my own thoughts, beliefs, actions and motivations. I am powerless over the food and my codependent relationships. My life is unmanageable.