Today are you willing to face your past so that you can learn from it?
I know many of the factors and faults in my past and past behaviors and understand the compulsions that are driving my self-sabotage behaviors. I feel like I’m in a pre-transition phase right now. There has been much upheaval – materially, socially, emotionally, and relationally recently and as a result I caved into unhealthy and undignified “victim” oriented thinking and self-destructive eating.
What is one area where you have learned to do something differently based on your past experience?
Whenever I “relapse” in my thinking and behavior, I seem to spend less time staying stuck, because I’m more aware of what the underlying cause of the behavior and thinking is. It is making me more and more cognizant of my own inability to change under my own power just because I want to change. I’m becoming more ready and more willing each time to do the hard work and to let God be in control. I look forward to the day when I am turning to HP first instead of exhausting my own resources before seeking and trusting God.
Please share your experience of applying the 12 Steps to grow through a growth opportunity.
I continually struggle with steps 1 – 3. Even though I know that I am powerless over my coe, emotions, and codependency with others, I still tend to exhaust myself on all levels trying to figure it out and power through on my own. Recently, a situation regarding my adult son came up, that was completely out of my power to fix or remedy. And for a little while, I tried to stress out about the situation, but really wasn’t able to much. The people around me were stressing out about the situation and normally this is something I would have been completely preoccupied with and fretting over, eating over, and feeling completely guilty over. But, after going through those things briefly, HP took over because I acknowledged that it wasn’t mine to deal with. I hadn’t made the choices or decisions that created the situation. I had other priorities and responsibilities demanding my attention that I was already not in a good head/heart/spirit space that I was not coping well with and this thing, no matter how much my mother’s heart was hurting over it, was not really my responsibility to solve. So, I was able to, miraculously, just let it go. A few days later, while sitting across from someone who it would never had occurred to me to ask for help in the matter on my son’s behalf (he’s not in a position to be able to ask himself) a voice in my head said, “Ask her.” I hesitated, and thought of all the reasons why it wouldn’t work and why I shouldn’t ask, then decided to follow instructions and asked anyway, not knowing what to expect. Without hesitation, thought, or reservation she answered positively.
All of this to say, that while it is still a continual struggle for me to admit my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life, believe in a power greater than myself, and act on that belief by letting God take control, some of those first three steps are sinking in and having positive effect on my life and in the lives of those around me.