I’m slowly figuring out why I can’t seem to have a decent relationship with God or anyone else.
I don’t have a decent relationship with me.
Profound? Not really, I’m just finally getting “it.” If God accepts me as I am, which includes everything I am and am not, as well as everything I have been and have failed to be, then I need to learn to accept that about me as well. My life’s journey isn’t about learning to love me, it’s about learning to accept me and to stop judging and bullying myself in the ways I’ve internalized throughout my life. They key to my happiness is never going to be about anything other than acceptance of myself, others, and life as it is.
Sure I still need to work to improve, grow, and change. To do otherwise is to stagnate. However, learning to do those things out of acceptance instead of a sense of failure and a need to change who I am isn’t going to get me anywhere. Unfortunately, I’ve spent the last 25 years learning that lesson.
So, here I am, warts and all: a co-dependent, food addict, fibromyalgiac who struggles with depression and having decent relations with friends and family. That’s all I’ve seen and focused on about myself. I’m co-dependent because I care about the feelings of others and believe that it is my responsibility to do what I can to help them achieve happiness in their lives and tend to lose myself in that desire and overdeveloped sense of responsibility. I’m a food addict because, a) food tastes good, b) I learned at too young of an age that food can be many things other than nourishment, and c) just about every social event in the USA contains or centers around food. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and depression – both of which are medical in nature and require me to utilize modern medicine and self-care techniques that don’t necessarily fit into my life and psyche. All of these things are part of who I am and while they may be something considered a weakness by myself and others, they also contain the things that make me strong and capable. The reality is, they just are and instead of seeing them as something bad to be overcome, relinquished, controlled or destroyed, they are something to be simply accepted.
Here’s the rest that I seldom, if ever choose to recognize. I love my children, desperately, whether I show it well or not, it’s the truth. I care deeply about many people who have come and gone from my life, whether they consider me a friend or not – even those who’ve chosen to stop considering me a friend. I have dreams and aspirations that it often feels as though as I’ve let go of or given up. In reality, they have been reprioritized for dream of being a better mom than I had, figuring out how to be a functional third of a life partnership between God, myself, and another, as well as surviving while holding onto the dreams and aspirations because my life isn’t over yet. So, here I am, learning to accept me. I sometimes start great, then putter along until I run out of steam. But, I’m determined to finish well by accepting all of me and all of life as it is and knowing that all is well.