NaPoWriMo 2024: Grateful Haiku

“Grateful”
My heart is grateful
I’ve done the work of healing
Continuing growth

lem 04/05/2024









Ten years ago I finally ended an 18 year toxic and abusive relationship. I was subsequently diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder and PTSD. I was drowning in anxiety and depression. I felt broken beyond repair and never imagined I would ever independently support myself again. I hadn’t been employed since mid-2012.

Four years ago, as COVID shut down the world, I graduated from a Peer Certification program and became an Adult Mental Health Peer Wellness Specialist. I started working for the organization I currently work with as a part-time Mental Health Aid. I didn’t know if I could hold that job. I had a panic attack and went to the Urgent Walk-in Clinic for mental health support after I made a medication error at work.

A year later, I got my first professional Peer position, working with people classified as living with Severe and Persistent Mental Illness. I struggled to figure out how I could support them with my vastly different life experience…but I did it and I did it well.

I’ve transitioned into two different Peer roles since then. The most recent one was when I started working full-time in the program I had once been a client in. Since I began that position on October 30, I’ve been challenged to take on leadership responsibilities, making decisions and co-leading a team that includes professional counselors with Master’s degrees. Due to my mental health issues I only have a high school diploma. I never imagined I would ever be in a role like that.

Today I had my second interview for a Peer Supervisor position at the Urgent Walk-in Clinic I utilized four years ago. This afternoon I was offered the position.

With the help and support of my faith community, Bridge City Community Church , I have faced and fought through my trauma and seemingly never ending personal and family crises. Five of the last ten years, I have been a client of the organization I now work for. It’s been a long, hard, painful journey. The recovery process isn’t over and I will always have to manage symptoms. But now I have the tools and support to do it.

All of this to say, we can and do recover!

Free Society

Feeling some kind of way about current events.

Free Society

I dream of leaving society
in search of civilization
for there is little civility
in our demonstration

Our democracy, mythological.
We’re told we can choose.
Two parties, oligarchical.
Heads they win, tails we lose

If I seem a little weary, jaded,
snarky, suspicious, cynical,
wide-eyed innocence faded,
know it’s from issues cyclical.

Those who don’t learn from the past
are doomed to repeat it.
How to learn when the truth can’t last
because victors’ tales supersede it

If truth is necessary for freedom,
is ours truly the land of the free?
Soldiers march, lies precede them.
Everyday we leave behind humanity.

I glean all hope is not gone.
I live with it day by day.
I see this generation
intent on injustice to slay.

lem 02/27/2024

Advent 2023 Day 7

This is a song our Teaching Elder, who is leading worship, has asked us to learn for this weekend’s gathering.

As I was listening to it, I felt that this is what I have experienced as the Holy Spirit.

I don’t know how to articulate it other than to say it feels like having peace and comfort rising from inside of me and covering me from the outside at the same time. I gain a sense of companionship and that even if I’m walking through a painful, scary, challenging time, I’m not doing it alone.

Lyrics found on MelodicWorship.com

[Verse 1]
When I am lost inside my mind
Sing me the hope I cannot find.

When my despair has left me blind
Sing me the tune I’ve left behind

[Chorus]
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Sing of the goodness I cannot see
Will you sing over me?

[Verse 2]
When all the grief my hands
When I’ve forgotten who I am

I can’t feel anything but shame
Sing out me back my name

[Chorus]
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Sing of the goodness I cannot see
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?

[Bridge]
When I sink down beneath the fear
The weight more than I bear
Keep singing low
I cannot hear
I’ll sing for you, I swear

[Chorus]
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Sing of the goodness I cannot see
Will you sing over me?

Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Sing of the goodness I cannot see
Will you sing over me?

Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?

Wednesday Words & Advent 2023 Day 6
Image colored in “Mandala Coloring Book Adults” app in the Google Play Store. Edited in Pic Collage.

The prompts I obtained were read from the book, “Technicians of the Sacred” and the entry was “Coyote & Junco” from the Zuni Indians  

  • Clouds cover the earth 
  • Stand still 
  • All come in 

I read a couple of other poems from The Poetry Foundation website for the group to obtain prompts from:

Here’s what I came up with:

Shared Peace

In this time of unrest and war, 

violence and apathy, 

political posturing, and 

religious zealotry 

comes the time of year 

0f unrealized peace and goodwill. 

Will the combatants stand still? 

Will the walls fall, 

allowing all to come in? 

Or will the clouds of conflict 

continue to cover the earth? 

What can I say or do  

in response to  

the tears of sorrow, 

the cries of grief 

mourning ones wail? 

What have I to offer 

of hope,  

of faith, 

of love, 

of peace? 

It’s trite to say 

I have inner peace, 

have some of mine 

o those bombarded 

and bombed by 

Hatred and Ignorance, 

Greed and Power. 

It’s trite, 

but it’s true 

I have walked through  

personal wars and trauma. 

None the like of those  

seeking refuge and safety 

across the world 

but I sought refuge and safety 

when all felt lost, 

when I felt defeated. 

Eventually I found it In others  

willing, able to share  

what they had to offer, 

what they had experienced 

in their own lives and journeys. 

I can’t bring peace and safety  

to those around the world 

but I can share what I have 

with those who enter my world 

and those who I encounter  

in the world around me. 

I can share love, hope, and healing 

as they have been shared with me. 

lem 12/05/2023

Advent 2023 Days 4 & 5
Image colored in “Mandala Coloring Book Adults” app in the Google Play Store. Edited in Pic Collage.

I started this post yesterday but didn’t complete it due to medical reasons. So, today is a catch-up day

“Strive to be at peace.”

Work towards being a peaceful person. Someone who actively chooses actions that bring peace to the people and the world around you.

Not saying be a doormat or act nice in all situations. Not saying to allow bullying, harassment, and injustice to go unanswered. Simply saying to measure words and actions before speaking and doing to determine if they’re meant to bring peace and kindness.

Easier said than done. So, how?

Examine your internal motivations, thoughts, and emotions. Are you coming from a place of fear, hate, or judgment? If so, work on healing that part of yourself.

Image colored in “Mandala Coloring Book Adults” app in the Google Play Store. Edited in Pic Collage.

Advent 2023 Day 3 – First Sunday: Hope
Image colored in “Mandala Coloring Book Adults” app in the Google Play Store. Edited in Pic Collage.

Hope

Things feel dire and hopeless in the world right now.

In my country we are struggling with more and more people, including children, experiencing houselessness. Substance use disorder is affecting more and more people, both those experiencing addiction and the people around them. People experiencing mental health, emotional, and behavioral challenges aren’t able to access necessary services and treatment. These three conditions feed into each other.

War, genocide, and human rights violations are happening throughout the world.

Where does hope come from? Who can we place our hope with? Government, institutions, and politicians? Probably not. We can hope those things have the power, willingness, and support to make changes. But it’s the kind of fatalistic hope that’s filled with doubt and scorn. It doesn’t believe in itself.

What is hope that believes in itself, what can it do, and where does it come from?

Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see. Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation.

Hebrews 11:1-2 (NLT)

Real hope is rooted in faith. Hope rooted in faith results in constructive action. Constructive action by people with hope rooted in faith may not change the whole world all at once, but it changes the world of the people connected to them one by one.

For example, almost 10 years ago, I was enmeshed in an emotionally toxic and abusive relationship with someone I’d been in since 1996. We’d had a child together who was almost 5. My mental health was deteriorating. I had lost, some would say given up, relationships with my two adult children. On our child’s fifth birthday, there was a major conflict between this person and my visibly pregnant middle child. It didn’t get physical but the tension in the air was ripe with the potential for it. My child and their partner moved out that night and I thought I’d lost them forever.

When I went to church the next day, I felt defeated and hopeless.

There was a meeting for the children’s ministry program after service and during the meeting, conflict arose. When it was my turn to speak, I simply stated that I had too much conflict at home to be able to cope with it at church and would no longer participate.

After the meeting, one woman approached me and offered to walk through whatever I was going through with me if I was willing to let her. I didn’t have anyone else to turn to, so I said, “yes.”

Today, I have good relationships with both of my adult children. I am single-parenting my almost 15-year-old child and have a good relationship with them. I’m working a full-time job for the first time in 15 years. I have friends I can connect with and count on. Best of all, the work I do redeems all the trauma I’ve experienced since childhood and enables me to walk alongside other people who are on their healing and recovery journey.

One woman, stepping out in faith, held hope for me until I could hold it for myself. Now, I hold it for others.

I have faith that things improve. I have faith that we can and do recover. That faith grounds my hope and enables me to take action to help myself and support others.

For those of us who have faith in God the Father, Son, and Spirit our actions should be ones of hope on behalf of others. I hope more of us do exactly that.

You don’t have to have faith in the same God as I do, or any god at all, to have faith that things can and do improve. That faith is the foundation of hope that your action can change the world of one person for the better. Hope will spread and action will expand in that way.

Advent 2023: Day 2
Image colored in “Mandala Coloring Book Adults” app in the Google Play Store. Edited in Pic Collage.

Advent

What is it? Essentially it’s a countdown to Christmas Day. It began as a Christian tradition. It’s a way to focus on the coming Christ child as the bringer of Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love. In a way it’s also a symbol what we’re waiting to see manifested at the second coming of the Christ. A more detailed explanation can be found here.

In modern times, the countdown has become more of a secular one, with a daily calendar of gifts ranging from small to big, from chocolate to jewelry and everything in between.

I’m a practicing Christian. I’m not affiliated with a particular denomination or “brand” of Christianity. I worship, learn, and wrestle with my faith in the context of a small, independent, community of fellow believers. Our Teaching Elder (more commonly thought of as a “pastor”) is Marc Schelske, author of “The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-given Purpose and power of Your Emotions” and Journaling for Spiritual Growth, as well as a couple of others with more on the way. He focuses on what it means to worship, serve, and follow a God who characterizes “other centered, co-suffering love.”

I could go on and on (and likely will do so in the future) but I want to get back to Advent and why I’m choosing to focus on this right now.

I’ve been wrestling with my faith a bit, recently. In the face of rampant gun violence and theocratic politics in America, genocidal wars and terrorism, human trafficking and domestic violence, I’m struggling with the concepts and practice of Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love.

So, I’m taking some baby steps to reconnecting with those aspects of my faith. Thus my digital Advent calendar.

My process is to excerpt a snippet of scripture from The Revised Common Lectionary Advent readings on a daily basis and pair it with a piece of digital art I’ve colored. I didn’t create the images. I use a coloring app from the Google Play Store and the Pic Collage app to edit the image.

I hope you will connect in some way that’s helpful and positive for you.

What’s next? Advent & Wednesday Words

I’ve enjoyed the challenge of posting almost daily in November. I’m proud of what I accomplished and what I wrote. I want to build on the momentum. That being said, I’m feeling a bit burned out…not just from blogging but from life lifing as it does for me (and most of us, I suspect).

So, I’m going to commit to a weekly post. If I can post more often, I will. I’m thinking that Wednesdays would be good since I write on Tuesday nights with my 2 Busy 2 Write group.

Wednesday Words. I’ll share the prompts I gather and what I wound up writing about. I’ll try to keep track of the material and authors the prompts are taken from. Then maybe some of you can join me in the process and have som fun with it.

How does that sound?

I think, this year I’m going to do an Advent calendar here. So, each day leading up to Christmas, I’ll share something small to help me focus on positive things.

Image colored in “Mandala Coloring Book Adults” app in the Google Play Store. Edited in Pic Collage.

Nanopoblano Day 30: Wrapping up the blog challenge
My worksite.

Well, I missed posting Sunday through Wednesday of this week. Life’s mundanities got in the way on Sunday. Then, on Monday there was a traumatic incident where I work. You can read about it here. I’ve spent the last three days just getting through the day. The math says, with this post, I completed 87% of the challenge. Good enough.

I wrote the following on Tuesday night and shared it with the Trauma Support Team at my work yesterday.

Close to Home
A friend of mine was violently harmed
where I work, yesterday.
Of course, I was sad
scared for his wellbeing
but what was there for me
to feel traumatized by?
It is a risk of living in America these days.
It is a risk of the system I work in.
It is a risk of the job he does.
I was fine . . . or so I thought.

This morning,
after my usual sleepless night,
I went to work,
walking in the cold,
not thinking about
what the day would look like.
We were closed to the public.
Many co-workers stayed home.
I was fine . . . or so I thought.

The more I heard people sharing
their feelings and thoughts,
the more I heard
the details of what happened
and what my friend had gone through,
the less fine I felt.

Dissociated mind
Disconnected thoughts
Disoriented self
Dissatisfied with life
Disturbed reality
Distressed emotions
Distorted beliefs

Unaware of what’s real
Filled with pain and confusion
All that matters is to make it stop
Stand up and fight for your life
Make the pain stop
Go to the source
Make it stop

I don’t know the words
to describe how full I feel
of the emptiness
inside my mind and heart.
I’m not filled with fear,
yet fear is not absent,
My safe place was never safe.
Safety was an illusion
that has now been shattered
the way a prism shatters the light,
refracting it into the multihued
spectrum of bright colors.
Only, here, there is no
beautiful rainbow to be seen
after the storm of yesterday’s violence.
This violence, so close to home,
feels like an extension of the violence
happening throughout the world.
I have no control over any of it.
Near or far,
the violence isn’t mine to control.
I can protest it.
I can appeal to the powers that be,
to change their policies,
to change their responses,
to change the infrastructure,
but I have no power over anyone else,
only myself.

lem 11/28/2023

Nanopoblano 2023 Day 25: Reedsy Prompt – Daughter of Smoke

A writing acquaintance of mine sent me an FB invitation to Reedsy Prompts, which has creative writing prompts and does writing contests based on some of the prompts. I’m not a contest writer, but I do need prompts. Especially the next few days to finish out this month of blog challenges.

Here’s my effort for this prompt.

Daughter of Smoke

Silvery blue hair

Deep grey eyes piercing your soul

Lips an ember red

Sinuous movements

Draped in a mesh, soot black dress

She glides through the room

Mingling in the dark

Now you see her, now you don’t

You breathe in her scent

A hint of apple

Wood smoke burning in a fire

All she left behind

lem 11/25/2023