I don’t know that I have anything particularly important to say today, however, I just need to get some stuff out. So, welcome to my brain and my recent life.
I live in Portland, OR where we seldom get serious snow or icy weather. We may get a day or so of snow intermittently throughout the Winter and some years we get worse weather. We had snow on Luna’s birthday, at the beginning of December, which was gone by the next day. However, this past Thursday, we got snow in earnest. I’d been doing fairly well with walking every day and eating healthy foods. As a matter of fact, I bundled up in three pair of pants, heavy coat, heavy scarf, and sunglasses to protect my eyes from the blowing wind and frozen precipitation and walked almost three miles to get to an appoinment. By the time my meeting was over, it was snowing in earnest. School got out early and, thankfully, LaLa was available to pick Luna up from school.
Keith decided he was not going to go to work the following day to drive a local truck on the hazardous roads with drivers who aren’t the safest. I can’t say that I blame him after news of 20 & 28 car pile ups and the like. He came over several hours earlier on Friday than usual. The apartment was a mess, partially because LaLa and her SpiritLove wound up in an unsafe living situation again and are basically homeless again and no matter what boundaries are broken or triggers are pulled, I refuse to have my pregnant 20 year old daughter who is making an effort to keep her job and be healthy during her pregnancy, homeless in the dead of Winter.
Since the events that triggered me choosing to alter my relationship with Keith, on Luna’s fifth birthday in December, SpiritLove chooses to not be anywhere around Keith, so as to avoid potential conflict. This meant that he had to find somewhere else to be during the Friday and Saturday night that Keith was scheduled to stay over for his time with Luna.
What was supposed to be a two-day weather event which everyone expected the hype to be worse than the reality, turned into four days of snow, freezing rain, and icy temperatures. Luna threw up Friday night, I thought from eating a piece of fruit that was turning bad. She basically stopped eating after that for the entire weekend. She also started refusing to drink much of anything. After having been sick in December and a couple of times in January, she wound up getting sick again with occasional coughing and sneezing turning into severe congestion, continual coughing and sneezing, and a fever by Monday. Keith wound up deciding to stay over both Sunday and Monday nights and called off of work again on Monday. So, instead of two nights, he was here four nights.
LaLa was stressed and upset because, on top of being in her third trimester of pregnancy, essentially homeless, and working at a minimum wage job without enough hours, she was still expected to get to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, in spite of the unsteady footing in the snow/ice. Keith offered to give her rides, but each time he waited until the last minute and she kept being late. On top of it, she really missed and needed the contact and connection with her SpiritLove during this stress period and Keith’s continued presence served to keep him away.
In the meantime, Keith was becoming increasingly triggered and agitated throughout the weekend as plans kept getting cancelled due to weather and his form of coping/escape kept being disrupted and delayed due to the actions and activities of Luna, LaLa, and myself. By Monday night he and I wound up in verbal/emotional conflict again, which carried over into toxic texting last night.
Throughout it all, Luna was getting increasingly sick and listless. I called and got her into the doctor yesterday. Chest x-rays ruled out pneumonia and a throat culture ruled out strep. The urnialysis didn’t show any bacterial infection but indicated severe dehydration. Her sleep last night was really restless and extremely hot from the fever and the fact that we’ve gone from freezing temps back into the upper 40′s. She kept refusing medicine until sometime between one and three this morning.
LaLa and her SpiritLove were really scared and concerned for Luna because the doctor had told me to take her to the hospital if I couldn’t get her to drink between 6 – 8 oz of fluid by 8 pm last night. He (SL) got so freaked out that I wound up feeling as if I was under attack for not doing a better job of taking care of Luna. He apologized later and took ownership of how he came across. So that was good. He even reached out and refriended me on Facebook. We’ll see how long that lasts. I try to remember and accept him for where he’s at and who he is, but to be perfectly honest, just being around him pushes my buttons almost to the same degree as being around Keith.
Last week some realizations about the early childhood sexual abuse and emotional neglect I experienced and how those things have impacted and impaired my ability to be in healthy and functional relationships with anyone, especially men, specifically Keith. I haven’t had the time or space to really process these things, just experience the grief and anger about them that are laying so near the surface. Being in the situations and circumstances with the weather and the people I love, Keith included, has been very stressful and upsetting for everyone. Old patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior have reasserted in terms of inactivity and poor nutrition, compulsive eating.
This too shall pass. The good things are still the good things and I need to keep looking and focusing on those things. I’ve got more of a support network than ever before. I’m deepening connection with supportive and encouraging friends. I’m blaming and shaming myself less and not allowing others to do it as much.
I can’t change them. I can only let myself be open to the process of change. The snow is gone and it’s time to let myself stop being bound.